I feel like utter crap.  I don’t even know the last time I had a shower.  I’m fearful of getting in the shower.  I’m embarrassed / shamed about how little I take care of myself. I haven’t been outside in it seems like a year, but I know it’s closer to 3 weeks.  I seem to be forced to leave the house about once a month to do something.  Most of my needs are taken care of by my husband or online shopping, but there’s usually something that requires me to leave the house once a month… although I try to push it as far as I possibly can.

I’ve been on my period now for so many weeks I don’t even know. I probably should have gone to the doctor at least two weeks ago.  For two weeks I bled so much I had to change these super heavy pads at least every 20 minutes.  But why don’t I go to the doctor?  Well, for one, I am anxious to leave the house.  Two, I am not taking care of myself and am ashamed to be seen this way.  Three, if I do have to go out, I have to take a shower, which means a large workup to get myself in the shower, which almost causes a panic attack, to have to shower myself, which is not only anxiety inducing but seems like more work than I can possibly do…. and then I have to have clean laundry.  Clean laundry?!?  Ugh!

In any case, I had to write something because I just feel so crappy right now.  I am supposed to go and have a private art lesson on Friday that I arranged weeks ago and already cancelled once.  I am trying so hard to tweak some creative passion to get myself out of my self.

Right now I just really need to eat something.