There are so many messages. So many opinions. The internet, magazines, newspapers, TV, radio, books – simply: People – are screaming all around us “Do this!” “Do that!” in the quest for finding oneself, happiness, success, health.
Right now, in the midst of this depression, I am looking for any message that might make me feel better. I feel like a ferret, moving from thing to thing, distracted by the next shiny bit.
And I wonder, “what is it exactly that I’m looking for?”
I know there’s no quick fix. That’s a lesson I learned years ago.
But is there a fix at all?
And just how broken am I?
Because I’m really not all that broken. I “fixed” a lot of things years ago. I worked diligently through therapy, self-help, workshops, meetings of all types in order to fix myself emotionally. Mentally, I spent countless years learning, developing skills, applying knowledge in order to create a career path for myself. Meditation, church, alignments, retreats – all helped to develop my spiritual path. In the physical realm I tried western medicine, alternative therapies, chiropractory, exercise, nutrition.
I’ve worked things out & found my way in so many areas. But somehow I still fall into this idea that somehow I’m broken and I think it’s possibly only because there are so many people telling me I am.
If anything is broken right now, it’s whatever synapse isn’t firing properly and is causing me to feel this unending depression. There’s a part of my brain that gets in the way of feeling anything other than anger, sadness, hopelessness. A shadow on anything that once interested me. A mountain has grown up between me and the feeling of joy, or the sight of true beauty.
I can’t get past the thought that no amount of self-help or therapy is going to move this mountain or shine light on this shadow.