There are so many messages.  So many opinions.  The internet, magazines, newspapers, TV, radio, books – simply: People – are screaming all around us “Do this!”  “Do that!” in the quest for finding oneself, happiness, success, health.

Right now, in the midst of this depression, I am looking for any message that might make me feel better.  I feel like a ferret, moving from thing to thing, distracted by the next shiny bit.

And I wonder, “what is it exactly that I’m looking for?”

I know there’s no quick fix.  That’s a lesson I learned years ago.

But is there a fix at all?

And just how broken am I?

Because I’m really not all that broken.  I “fixed” a lot of things years ago.  I worked diligently through therapy, self-help, workshops, meetings of all types in order to fix myself emotionally.  Mentally, I spent countless years learning, developing skills, applying knowledge in order to create a career path for myself.  Meditation, church, alignments, retreats – all helped to develop my spiritual path.  In the physical realm I tried western medicine, alternative therapies, chiropractory, exercise, nutrition.

I’ve worked things out & found my way in so many areas.  But somehow I still fall into this idea that somehow I’m broken and I think it’s possibly only because there are so many people telling me I am.

If anything is broken right now, it’s whatever synapse isn’t firing properly and is causing me to feel this unending depression.  There’s a part of my brain that gets in the way of feeling anything other than anger, sadness, hopelessness.  A shadow on anything that once interested me.  A mountain has grown up between me and the feeling of joy, or the sight of true beauty.

I can’t get past the thought that no amount of self-help or therapy is going to move this mountain or shine light on this shadow.

 

 

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